Last Game of the Season - and a Champion Discovered

The last game of a most enjoyable season was at the Ox-Fford against the Oxfford C team (in name only!) and from the ashes of relegation arose the phoenix of a champion in our midst.

Having answered a very difficult question for 3 points (see Q60 in the General Knowledge questions from the link on the right) Wendy disclosed that she was the 1969 northern counties champion of tiddlywinks!! What a way to finish the season!!

It was an excellent game with characteristic humour, fun and beer and an outstanding set of questions from the Principals with a finishing score of 158 to 138 to the Ox Fford C.

Individual scores were:

Bob 12/15, Wendy 9/15. Nick 12/18 and Tomo 12/15. Conferred points were 21 with 9 passed over, whereas the Oxfford had 24 and 17 respectively.

We've thoroughy enjoyed our season in the A League and very much hope we can return at the end of next season.

Thankyou the Oxfford C and all the other teams for giving us a great season.

3rd April - We Didn't Lose!

Well at least we didn't lose last night, helped considerably by the fact that we didn't play, having set the questions and aksing them at the three A League venues.

Just one game left now to wind up a most enjoyable season in the A League.

3rd April - We Didn't Lose!

Well at least we didn't lose last night, helped considerably by the fact that we didn't play, having set the questions and aksing them at the three A League venues.

Just one game left now to wind up a most enjoyable season in the A League.

Plate Semi-Final

At home to the Sutton Club!

Inspired by the team's recent performance, Bob set off on a long-distance walking holiday - obviously the pressure's getting to him. His place was taken by Tony who is our regular reserve and always plays a great game.

So this was it - were we going to end up in the final again, to finish dead level and to lose with a cliff-hanger once more? Who could say. The Sutton Club are a well-respected team but were lacking the advantage of a home game. The Wonderers on the other hand are riding the trough of a wave with a hardly-dented record of repeated losses.

The questions were very good indeed and since they were all conferred (it has been noted that conferring is Nick's specialism) there was no opportunity for individual glory and the playing field was levelled.

So, defying predictions, continuity and trampling tradition into the dust the Wonderers managed to scrape home by winning 4 of the 6 rounds by a narrow margin in a game that was most enjoyable, broken by sufficient beer breaks and lightened by much humour, overseen by a flexible but fair question master from The Baths.
Thankyou Sutton Club - it was a great game.

We're moving towards the end of the season now in which the Wonderers have thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of playing in the A League - next season we're back in the B League but maybe for just one season - if we continue to be promoted/relegated each year we'll be vey happy.

Castled and Rooked

Having rested the previous week, the Wonderers swaggered into The Castle looking refreshed , sporting a rather attractive blue tan from their action-filled journey from the Waters Green Tavern. Only about 50 yards but the howling wind and driving hail made every step an adventure.

Ah, The Castle - promoted to the A League with the Wonderers at the end of last season, and now precariously hanging onto their position one above the wonderers (i.e. next to bottom) despite having won three games. This was to be a game with no holds barred, no punches pulled, no quarter given. The Wonderers were at full strength with the added advantage of a groupie again (Nick's son Rah).

The tactics adopted were the same - allow The Castle a small advantage in the Specialist rounds confident of steaming ahead in the General Knowledge. This is a tried and tested formula that has consistently led to victory - for our opponents! And last night was no exception.

Final score was 156 to 115 with individual scores as follows:

Bob 15/12, Wendy 9/12, Nick 6/3 (pathetic - his son is looking for another team to support), Tomo 13/12.

Again good conferred points 12/11 (mainly thanks to Nick!) but little picked up from our opponents 2/3.

Ah well - the semi-final of the Plate next week - our more determined readers may recall that we began the season losing the Plate final on a tie-breaker setting a pattern that has been adhered to rigidly with just two lapses - consistent defeat with good humour and lots of beer.

The Castle is a wonderful old pub steeped in history, selling real ale (Theakston's) and with a very generous spper of hot meat pies.

A most enjoyable evening and for the most selfish of reasons we hope The Castle get relegated with us next season. Thankyou.

Duncan Steps In

As I've been away for a week, the news on the league has not been up-dated. Fortunately Duncan Disorderly the local minority sports writer was on hand to fill the gap.

By the way, an astonishing development - if you look at the Comments on the questions for 6th March (link on right) you will see that our obscure scribblings in this tiny corner of Cheshire were picked up by a scholar in Idaho who gently corrects an answer!!

WHERE DID IT ALL START TO GO RIGHT?!

A report on recent earth-shattering events by Macclesfield Minority Sports reporter Duncan Disorderly

Just when I thought that I had finally extricated myself from the purgatory of reporting the utterly predictable defeats of the Waters Green Wonderers, all hell seems to have broken loose. Following the defeat by the Dolphin I insisted on an interview with my Editor, R Supwards, and insisted on being reassigned from the Macclesfield Quiz League. I told him that I had covered the Wonderers for half the season and my penance had been duly served, and that I never meant to prang his bloody car in the first place. The going had been tough and I had completely lost the will to live.

After gloating a bit he took pity on me and got me off the case. I couldn’t tell you how relieved I was. In the intervening two weeks I covered the quarter-finals of the Macclesfield one-hand freestyle crochet championships and the preliminary rounds at the Pott Shrigley Noughts and Crosses Festival, both of them much more exciting than listening to the Waters Green Team muttering that they were alright really….. keeping a stiff upper lip….the experience was good for them…even enjoying it in a funny kind of way….when all the time they were devastated and making their packets of crisps soggy with their loser’s tears. I say packets of crisps because that’s all that Tracey and Brian will provide for them until they buck their ideas up.

So you can imagine the torment when I was summoned back to the office from a particularly exciting heat of the Upton Priory Shove-halfpenny Fest. “Grab your pen”, cried my frantic Editor, “the Wonderers have turned the corner”. His enthusiasm turned out to be a little premature. It was true that the Wonderers had won – they had beaten the Bath in the Plate (or was it the plate in the bath). I knew the Bath team well – at least the only one of them that turned up. This team used to be the Beehive, one of the Wonderers favourite opposing teams – many a good night spent in combat and all that - but they were so under-strength on the night it wasn’t true. One of the team had only popped into the pub to ask directions to Buxton, and the other was a passing Pork-Scratching salesman. But heigh-ho, a win is a win, and the team left the venue with something I hadn’t seen before – the smiles of winners. I was not convinced that the team had at last turned the corner and I turned up the following week fearing the worst. To save time I had already written the report – how their Plate win had been a complete fluke and they had been crushed by the second best team in the whole League. And then the unthinkable happened. They won! At the end of the match, both teams were reduced to a stunned silence for very different reasons, I had to rip up my notebook, sandwiches and pork pies replaced the bags of crisps, and the look of hope shone in the eyes of the beleaguered Wonderers.

All this, of course, was a slap in the face to Billy Prattlefaggit, who is currently putting together a rival team. He suddenly became a little quieter, particularly about the clandestine offer he had made to Tommo to poach him from the Wonderers. He had offered our rising young star as many Twiglets as he could eat and a guaranteed Saturday Night audience at the Hurdsfield Darby and Joan Club whenever Tommo felt the urge to do his magic tricks. I have heard on the grapevine that the other Waters Green players got wind of this illegal approach and had a meeting with Tommo to discuss the situation. It was made clear to him that if he as much as thought of jumping ship, Wendy would break his pencil, Bob would break his legs, and Nick would show him a magic trick involving a large disappearing cucumber.


Come the next week though, all was well. They were thrashed by the best in the land. They have reverted to type and I am stuck with reporting their antics again.
Still, Mark Watson does a brilliant job of e-mailing fixtures and results, so I am saved the arse-ache of doing all that. Mind you, I still think he should be concentrating on the current crime wave. One of my mates in the Pig and Ball Bearing was telling me about these two youths who were terrorising his neighbourhood. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. The police charged one and let the other off.


Be brave and remember – if you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Duncan Disorderley

Lightning Does Strike Twice

Despite folkore, the Waters Green Tavern proved last week that lightning does strike the same place twice.

Not only did the Wonderers win their first League game of the season, but their sister team the Rams also won their game. both teams thereby breaking their duck.

This week the Wonderers returned to form in an enjoyable game against the Dolphin the final scores being 153 to the Wonderers' 106. Tomo was at a book-signing in London and could not play but Wendy's husband Ken stepped in and played a strong game, particularly in the conferred questions.

Individual scores were Ken -/6, Wendy 9/18, Nick 6/9 and Bob a worthy 15/15.
An enjoyable game with the usual excellent supper provided by the Tavern

Infamy, Infamy, They've All Got It ...

Not content with destroying the bookies' anticipated gains last week with an unexpected (highly improbable in fact!) win in the Plate competition the Wonderers rubbed salt in the wounds with another win this week.

Do tradition and history count for nothing?

Playing a strongly fancied team from the Principals (second in the League) the Wonderers looked in a very shaky position as they were unable to find a question-master and would have had to play with a team of three. Then at the last minute, due to the largesse of Stockport Council with their leave arrangements, Steve became available - a welcome return and a strong performance.

The Wonderers played their usual game - a fun evening with plenty of laughs and beer breaks, a tradition carried with Nick to the Questionmaster's chair.

Scores were Waters Green Wonderers 130, Principals 116.

Individual scores were bob 6/12, Wendy 12/6, Steve 9/15 and Tomo 21/15 - Tomo looks set to climb even higher in the top 10 scorers league.

Conferred points were 10/10 (good team work) and passed overs 10/4.

At the beginnning of the game the visitors asked if they could have the questions but had lost interest by the end - make your own mind up by clicking the questions link on the right.

Tradition Trampled Underfoot

In an astonishing reversal of fortunes, the Wonderers last night slithered through to a surprising victory in the Plate competition.

The Baths were badly hit by absentees from their regular team and had roped in some reserves, but were no doubt confident after studying the form of the Wonderers. Yet despite thrashing the visitors in one of the four rounds the Baths were not able to sustain the attack and the Wonderers were able to advance through to the next round. No doubt the appearance of two groupies for the visitors affected their performance.

It should be pointed out that the Baths are top of the C League and in fact have scored about the same number of points in the League as the Wonderers.

The Baths was very pleasant, with real ales and a fine supper provided. A very pleasant evening with lots of laughter and fun.

Thankyou - we look forward to playing you in the B League next season.

Half Way to Purgatory.- Duncan's Take

Well, the half way stage of the season has come and gone and still the Wonderers haven’t a point to show for their efforts. Last week’s display at the Dolphin reached an all time low when Bob got the question “what kind of animal is a Red Poll”. Misty-eyed he remembered the days when he would look at the farm entrance next to his sister’s house and see the sign “THE LONGDENDALE HERD OF PEDIGREE ATTESTED RED POLLS”. Imagine the poor man’s feelings when he was informed that it was a bleedin’ parrot. Things then went from bad to worse. Nick got a question in a round called “Name the Dead Person” or something – “A famous Lancashire contralto singer” etc. The answer should have been Kathleen Ferrier. What readers need to know is that Bob founded the Kathleen Ferrier Society. This is an international Society. This is the Society that runs the country’s main bursary competition for undergraduate singers. Bob is the CHAIRMAN of the Kathleen Ferrier Society. Nick answered Joan Sutherland, who was (a) not a contralto, (b) not from Lancashire, and (c) not even English, and (d) still alive for all I know. Bob met this slap in the face with typical Biggles fortitude. His bottom lip trembled slightly, and that was that. Nice to see that Nick came clean in his report.



Typical of the good soul that he is, Bob has not even mentioned it to the rest of the team.



Nick was suitably mortified and vanished to Wales for a winter break. I don’t blame him. I hate bad weather, and coming out once more to report another defeat is so wearying and not doing my professional career any good. Last time I sent a report in the gales were at their height. I left the house and went to the car only to be met by the farmer who lives nearby. He told me that it was so windy that one of his hens had laid the same egg three times. When I parked up in Waters Green I got out of the car and saw what I thought was a rubber glove quivering in the road. It was, in actual fact, a dog that had blown inside out. Anyway, Tuesday was no exception. They lost again. Tracy and Brian had gone on holiday, obviously to escape the humiliation of hosting the only two teams in the Macclesfield Quiz League without a point between them. They all did their best but nothing was coming across the table to them. No crumbs from the poor man’s table. The opposition was kind to the Wonderers and didn’t giggle too much. I hear that their captain, Mark, a leading light of the Quiz League organisers, is a law enforcement officer of some kind. Perhaps he should disband his team, hand all their points to the Waters Green Wonderers and tackle some of the crime I am hearing about at down at the Pig and Ball Bearing in Rainow.



I heard that thieves had actually broken into the Macclesfield POLICE STATION and stole the toilet seat! The police say that they have nothing to go on. Also, a gang of thieves were being sought for breaking into the pharmacy at Tytherington and stealing 48 bottles of California Syrup of Figs. Police are looking for three men on the run, and the public are advised not to ‘have-a-go’ unless they are wearing their wellies.



All this is so depressing.



Never mind, cheer up everybody and remember, space isn’t remote; It’s only an hours drive if you go straight up.



Duncan Disorderley

Home to the Ox-Fford

We had already disappointed the Ox-Fford by not thrashing the Dolphin last week thus enhancing the Ox-Fford's place in the League, so we knew this would not be an easy one.

However we were not concerned even when we obsrved that the Ox-Fford are third in the league table - with 2 games in hand.

We were not disabused - we remained steadfast in consistency and pulled off our usual performance - Specialist rounds we lost 72 to 57 and General Knowledge 88 to 69.

Individual scores were Bob 15/18 (PB!), Wendy 9/15 (Probably PB), Nick 9/6 (!!)and Tomo 30 - another great score.

Conferred/Passovers remained true to form with Specialist 10/2 and General Knowledge 8/4.

Questions generally highly thought-of although there was perhaps some inbalance in the difficulty. No scenes of high drama and a vey pleasant evening with lots of laughter.

I feel sure Duncan will have some authoratitative comments to make on our performance.

The Dolphin Away

Boosted by narrowly losing the Specialist rounds the previous week, we swaggered into the Dolphin already giving high fives to celebrate our victory. A cavalier glance at the individual results sheets gave us added confidence - they only have one in the top 2 scorers of the A League (1st actually) their next appearance being at no 7. Nothing to worry about there then! And the fact that they are leading the League just fired our ambition.

Moreover, Wendy was able to return to the team and we were sure her extensive knowledge of children's TV would secure victory. We were back to the normal team!!

There were moments of high excitement, not least when Nick was trying to remember the name of the superb English contralto born in Blackburn - he knew exactly the person required but the only name he could come up with was Joan Sutherland. This did not go down at all well with Bob who just happens to be secretary of the Kathleen Ferrier Society!!

The nature of a redpoll was also the cause of some controversy - is it a bird? Is it a cow? Extensive research discloses that red poll (2 words) is a breed of cattle but since the questions are oral that is not very clear.

One or two other questions generated discussion but the Wonderers prefer to stand aloof from such squabbles, particularly as they don't know the answer anyway.

To go into detail would be tedious but we were consistent, played well as a team, conferred well and were absolutely hammered. Score not available at the time of writing but see News And Views next week.

Our own scores were as follows:

Bob 15/12, Wendy 3/15, Nick 9/15 and Tomo 6/24 - it's some time since Tomo got less than 30 and he may get headhunted next season! We are happy to discuss a transfer fee but it is unlikely that any teams in any League could afford him. Conferred/Passed Over points Specialist rounds 3/2, General Knowledge 10/5 - these A teams don't give much away do they?

It was a very pleasant evening, lots of laughter, good sportsmanship, Robbies well-kept and their new acquisition Oldham Brewery beers that were on form. And samosas, kofta and chicken curry and rice was a very generous and well prepared supper afterwards - thankyou The Dolphin!!

Away To The Flag

The start of the second half of the season, and an away game at The British Flag, a Robinson’s house.
It was not an auspicious start – the reserve Tony had been asked to cover Wendy but the evening clashed with Nick’s retirement party and fears were voiced (not least by Nick) that he would be in no state to play. Then panic set in – by the time we were due to leave our home ground (where we had been having a tactics meeting) there was no sign of Tony. Nick’s son Sunil gallantly offered to play and Nick resigned himself to a game.

Just as we were leaving Tony arrived and was briefed on the situation – his face lit up and he said that suited him perfectly and he would stay in the Tavern and drink some excellent beer.

Then more anxiety when it seemed we were in danger of being inconsistent when at the half-way stage we were just 3 points behind after the Specialist questions – 47 to 44 – worried looks all round. Was this to be our first win?

We need not have worried, we were soundly beaten in the General Knowledge rounds 80 to 48 and we thus remain bloodied but unbowed with a clean sheet of no League points. Sunil was a little cautious and could have scored more but played exceptionally well with the conferred questions.

So, individual results:

Bob 12/3, Sunil 0/3, Nick 9/9 and Tomo 9/12.

Again we had a strong showing with conferred points (13/14) but managed to pick up only 8 (1/7) with pass-overs. The Flag keep a tight ship!! A very friendly and enjoyable encounter.

The General Knowledge questions in particular were generally thought to be unbalanced and perhaps a little too clever – will be interesting to see how they were marked by the other teams. And Robbies was not to the taste of the team especially Nick who had started at noon and narrowly failed to empty a barrel of Wild Swan in the home ground.

Duncan's Take - Ox-fford dons it's winners cloak

Billy recruiting for his quiz team

Well, it was nice while it lasted! Three weeks and not a defeat in sight, even though the main reason was that the Wonderers had no matches, their reputation as ace-question masters going before them as they played the part of supreme referees. Nick has provided all the statistics and a profile of the Ox-fford ringer, Ashley Tray, so there they stand, naked in all their under-achievement.



Billy Prattlefaggit rang me to say how disgusted he was, and has asked me to warn the WGW that he is currently putting together a team of over-eighties to usurp their place in the league. He assures me that once he has got a fourth man and a pub that has room for five zimmer frames, they will be having a few practice matches before asking the league to kick the Wonderers out and have his as yet un-named team take their place.

“This is an exciting venture for us” said Billy “we want to show these buggers what the old ‘uns can do. We have got some sponsorship money from the drop-in centre and this has bought us new glasses, and in one case a set of teeth. There is pride at stake here, and the first team we will challenge to a practice match is the Wonderers!

We can still cut it, even though my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.”



So hard times all round for the Wonderers, but at least they keep smiling. In between bouts of tearful self-pity they are currently partaking in a humorous ‘quiz’ to find as many film titles as possible punned from Welsh, Irish, Scottish and English geographical names. They can be towns, counties, regions or rivers. Here are some to be going on with. Constantly reading about failure can be very wearing and this may lighten your day. Please feel free to join in – your entries will be acknowledged in your own name in the final judging. Entries to Bob Langstaff at evenwood@talktalk.net .



Wales
Breakfast at Taffy’s



Scotland
The Glasgow Menagerie

Crocodile Dundee

Callender Girls

Crieff Encounter

Reach for the Skye

A fistful of Dollar



England
Far From The Reading Crowd

Sleepless in Settle

Ice Cold in Alnwick

Brighton Dock

The Merchant of Ventnor

Whose Afraid of Virginia Water?

Mobberley Dick

The Rainow Children

The Wizard of Osmotherley

Basing Saddles

Gunfight at the Oakham Corral

Look back in Ongar

Gone with the Mynd

Clun for Hire

Hooray for Hollinwood

Saturday Night and Sunbury Morning

Casino Royton

Dr. Knowsley

For Your Eye Only

Macc to the Future

Sergeant York



Rivers

The Magnificent Severn

Bridge on the River Wye

Ouse Life is it Anyway?

Ribble Without A Cause

Stour Wars

It’s A Wonderful Liffey

Tyne Bandits

An American Wear Wolf in London





Chin up Wonderers and remember, change is inevitable (except from vending machines)



Duncan Disorderley

23 January - Magnus R.I.P.

Refreshed after two weeks as question masters the Wonderers knew that playing on their home ground they would be able to maintain their consistent form.

They were not to be disappointed but it was a close call – the Ox-FFord C team had obviously heard of the Wonderers’ prowess and one of their team failed to show. In time-honoured fashion he was replaced with an ash tray (what will we do after July??) - ironically it was the eponymous Ashley Tray who got all their easy questions!

Nevertheless, it was a close call with the Wonderers managing to cling to their unbroken run of defeats with a respectable score of 129 to the Ox-Fford’s 139.

Individual scores were pretty good – Steve put in a guest appearance with a very creditable 27 (9/18), Tomo equalled his personal best with 30 (12/18), Bob put in his usual solid performance with 27 (12/15) and once again Nick showed he owes his place on the team to the blog with 15 (9/6).

Conferred points show good team work with 20 (11/9) and against a team as good as the Ox-Fford we were lucky to pick up 10 pass-overs (6/4).

The usual what-if comment – 5 wrong guesses would have given a dead heat if conferred, and 6 would have destroyed the Wonderers’ credibility as consistent losers.

Another most enjoyable evening, well done and thanks to the Ox Fford C team.

Duncan Bounces Back into 2007

Thanks Nick, for holding the fort and doing such a good article on the defeat by the Castle. I tried to do one but I was so depressed and let's face it, there are only so many words in the language and I couldn't find any fresh way of introducing another defeat. And I get so depressed at Christmas, which is a time of the year I really dislike. I hate that stupid Father Christmas idea. Last year I left him a salad and a note saying that he could afford to lose a bit of weight. I tried to be a bit more positive this time and I told 'er indoors that we were going traditional. No more frozen turkey. So I bought a real one, plucked it myself and stuffed it myself. She only had to kill it and put it in the oven. As if being in trouble over that wasn't enough, I think I upset Wendy from the quiz team. I was telling her how we should have the proper old-fashioned Christmasses back and she agreed and said she was going to make her own Christmas pudding. I suggested that she do what they used to do and drop a couple of threepenny bits in the pudding mix for good luck. It was then that she slapped my face and said that tradition or no tradition, her bra was staying firmly fastened. She hasn't spoken to me since. Christmas Day was even worse. My nephew, little Kevin, was in floods of tears. All he got was an empty box. His Dad told him it was an Action Man deserter.



Anyway, back to the quiz. I am upbeat again now that Christmas is over and happy to report that at last, I did not witness a defeat of the Waters Green Wondereres.

This is because they did not play.

Nevertheless, dedicated to the cause of minority sports as I am, I entered the Prince Albert (not in the biblical sense, you understand) to watch Bob Langstaff in his role as Question Master. He carried out this job with wit, wisdom, fortitude and forbearance. The competing teams were so pleased that they suggested the rest of the WGW team should have a whip round and buy him a huge present!



No Action Men please.



Here's to a win in 2007

Peas on earth and goodwill to you all"



Duncan

CASTLED!!!

Bloated from a month of resting from the quiz and two weeks of guzzling good food and wine, the Wonderers waddled into their home pub to face the mighty Castle with high hopes of breaching their defences and scoring our first victory in the A League.
It was a cliffhanger! At the end of the Specialist rounds, the Castle were just 2 ahead, at a beer break halfway through the General knowledge it was level pegging (i.e. the Wonderers were leading in the GK by 2 points). And at the end the Castle raised the drawbridge with a breathtaking win of 110 to 107. Well done the Castle - thanks for a great game.

The questions were fine and the balance good but there were no big scores with the exception of Tomo who scored what is probably a best-ever personal best - congratulations.

Scores were Bob 0/6, Wendy 9/12, Nick 9/0 and Tomo 15/15.

It is interesting that we picked up 30 points on conferred answers (10 +20) and managed to get 7 from pass-overs from the Castle.

As the scores were so close it would have taken just 2 of the wrong guesses to have won the match if they'd been conferred - 109 to 108. Phew!!

P.S.

Some dry-as-dust statistics to illustrate Duncan's penetrating analysis. Individual scores: Bob 9/18, Wendy 6/21, Tony 3/12 and Tomo -/24 - good scores by everyone and well done Tony standing in as reserve. Once agfain the team did very well with conferring, scoring 19 on the Specialist and 17 in the General Knowledge; pass-overs were few, 2 in the Specialist and 5 in the General Knowledge but we gave little away to the Dolphin who scored 14/15 on conferred and 6/6 passovers.
Congratulation on winning the General Knowledge round - pity I missed it!!

December 5th - Duncan's Report

WONDERERS HAVE NO BETTER LUCK WITH DOLPHINS THAN WALES.

Hello all.

A good news / bad news week for the Wonderers.

Well, not really - I lied about the good news, though they did win the General Knowledge round (again) before going down 136 to 161 to the Dolphin, a jolly bunch who enjoy a good quip whilst they are relentlessly hammering the opposition. Another bright moment was Wendy reaching the top ten individual chart. This will cheer her up no end. Wendy is often the life and soul of the team but recent results have made her a bit more introspective. Perhaps she is missing her book stall on Macclesfield market which she has recently relinquished. She kindly gave me one of her last remaining books "The Penguin Book of Quotations". I was overjoyed - I didn't even know penguins could speak!

Wendy is still having family trouble in Liverpool. Her cousin Billy lost his job as a window cleaner when his Black and Decker sander packed in. Wendy took him to his local for a drink to cheer him up and he won first prize in the raffle, which was nice. The first prize was a week's alibi.

Tomo did his best again with a magic trick in the interval, but even turning Bob into an ashtray failed to raise much of a smile. Bob's a bit despondent too at the moment. He recently wrote to a Lonely Hearts Club enclosing a photograph of himself. They wrote back to him saying thanks for the letter but they weren't THAT lonely! The redoubtable Tony Toft was standing in for Nick, who was doing his stuff in Vienna. The team miss Nick when he is away - they would follow him anywhere (out of morbid curiosity).

As for the quiz itself, there was an interesting round on alliteration. The team enjoyed it though some say such sophisticated speech sounds somewhat superficially supercilious. Not too many Welsh questions either.

Billy Prattlefaggit is still threatening to visit to "sort those tossers out". He sent me a grainy old photograph of his quiz team in action at the Limping Whippet, Higher Hurdsfield, in 1958. There was a notice on the wall behind the quiz team table saying.
SPECIAL MENU - AS MUCH AS YOU CAN KEEP DOWN FOR ONLY A SHILLING.

"It were a rough place", said Billy in his note. "They used to keep a pig on the bar as an air-freshener, but at least we knew the answers to the questions, not like those losers at t' Waters Green!"

Still concerned about the lack of tactical nous amongst the Wonderers I decided to ask the Landlady at the WGT what she thought. Most of what she said is unprintable, but she gave the impression that she was not impressed. "I should be on the ***** team myself, in fact I have been before now. I used to be on a quiz team at the airport - I used to work there push-starting jumbo jets - and we NEVER lost". I broached the subject of underhand tactics and she promised to come up with some ideas for next week.

So watch this space, and in the meantime, a win will do nicely.

The Wonderers didn't win, but Macclesfield DID!! Roll on Chelsea!

If Only We'd Had A Welsh Rugby-Playing Priest With A Passion For Heraldry and Asian Cars!

CUP SPECIAL! From Duncan Disorderly

WONDERERS SURRENDER WHITE FEATHERS TO PRINCE OF WALES

Hello all.

A touch of relief for the Wonderers from the relentless pressure of the A League was sadly not in evidence last night. There were lo-fives all round as they succumbed to the Prince of Wales (not in the biblical sense you understand). Even a recount proved a false dawn as it only meant that the loss was by three points instead of five. The Wonderers are progressing toward their ‘perfect season’ – no points at all.

Things began inauspiciously when the Wonderers had to do some impromptu furniture removing to find enough seats in the absolute crush. Protestations went unheard as the decibel level in the pub was as high as….as high as….as high as something that is very high. Added to this, nobody told the Wonderers that because the pub team was called the Prince of Wales, most of the questions would be about Wales. This was a Wales/Rugby Fest of massive proportions with some stupid car model names thrown in for good measure. “Never say Dai” should be the motto of future question setters!

Things took another turn for the worse when I was contacted by Billy Prattlefaggit (pictured here) whose temporary fame arising from my report last week has obviously gone to his nonagenarian head. He now seeks a place on the team as he thinks he can ‘do much better than those tossers”. I have tried to dissuade him by pointing out that he is probably too good for the Wonderers who, unlike him, have delusions of mediocrity, but he is nothing if not persistent, and has threatened to come and watch the next match.

The final insult came with the announcement that there were no post-match butties (probably because this is not a Welsh practise). Back in the safety of the Tavern I decided that it was time to do some raw head-on interviewing. First I tried to interview Wendy Brown, but she had gone home in a huff. Bob had gone home in his car. Most unlike Wendy but she has had a tough week. Wendy, as my regular readers will know, is from Liverpool, and there has been a spot of family bother recently. Her niece, Tracey was up before the magistrates with her boyfriend, Darren. They had both been found in flagrante underneath the fence at Becher’s Brook on the night before the Grand National earlier this year. The case was harrowing and the evidence embarrassing, but in the end the couple decided to plead guilty and asked for twenty seven other fences to be taken into consideration. Father Donald, from Darren’s local church remonstrated with him for his actions but Darren threw a bottle of disinfectant at the holy man, which resulted in his being fined for a bleach of the priest.

So I interviewed Nick Peck, alias “The Prince of Wails”. He was, understandably, unimpressed…

“I signed the effin’ petition to keep that effin’ pub open and I’m sorry I effin’ did now. You couldn’t hear yourself effin’ speak and I didn’t know that smoking was effin’ COMPULSORY in that effin’ place. And as for having no effin’ butties, well, I’m effin’ etc. etc.

Then I interviewed Tommo Cooper, who was much more philosophical about the whole thing. After checking that he was not, and had never been, a member of Plaid Cymru, he offered the following quote.

“It was OK, but I’m very, very hungry. Do you have any sandwiches about your person? Looking on the bright side we are still in the plate and plates are what I need. Cups I’ve got, but I broke two plates last week. Are you sure that’s not a sausage in your pocket?”

Clearly the Wonderers should sit down in a pub of their choice and ask themselves why they did not take the advice I offered last week. If they would have been in a proper frame of mind they would have claimed that having no butties after a competitive match was a breach of their Human Rights and should incur a four point penalty to the opposite team – that would have been it – job done! As it is, they can concentrate on the misery of the league.

As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t put your eggs in one basket.

My advice is to keep trying, and remember, if all is not lost, then where is it?

Duncan