Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Plate Final!!


P1020586 Rosie the missing mascot!!

Hello there.

DUNCAN DISORDERLEY here, making a guest appearance because Nick had swanned off on holiday leaving his Waters Green Phoenix team-mates to cope as best they could in the Plate final.

I can’t say I was happy when Nick rang me. I retired from this reporting game ages ago and he still hasn’t paid me for last time. I was not having a very good morning anyway. I’d just heard that my old friend Charlie, who had always said that he wanted to die under the wheels of a steam-train finally went and did it. We are all a bit sad but not Charlie – he was chuffed to bits. Then a man came to the door and asked if he could come in and talk about my carpets. I thought “Bloody Hell, that’s all I need – a Jehoover’s Witness!”

Anyway, I goes over to the Weaver’s to do my report and it turns out that the opposition was the Harrington Arms. Now I haven’t been in there since the days of the old lady – can’t remember her name but she had a part-time job push-starting jumbo jets at the airport. Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp and wanting to know what the hell you were doing in her pub. Never went there again, though I believed
things have improved. I hear that they’ve even changed the 15watt light bulbs for 40watt!

Then there was the question master, a guy called Rick Davies who did very well with his impersonation of that guy who used to do quizzes on telly who had an IQ of 300 and green pubic hair – Bamber Grassgroin.

The Tavern team looked a bit lost without their spiritual leader who was no doubt getting very spiritual in Norway at the time. There was “Tommo” Thompson who is a well-known magician I believe, but not so good at business. He was the one who founded a website called but it folded after a week. Steve Berwick was
telling me he was going to release a single soon which is bound to be a hit. Watch out for it, it’s called “I Used To Kiss Her On The Lips But It’s All Over Now.” Wendy Brown is still in denial about having been the 1972 All-Merseyside Ladies Freestyle Wrestling Champion, and was feeling some pressure as she had forgotten to bring the team mascot, her dog Rosie. Then there was Bob Langstaff, who, if I remembered rightly from the last quiz I saw him in, reckoned that Wat Tyler is a bathroom design magazine.

The quiz started OK but scores, I have to say, remained suspiciously close. This was still the case after three rounds and as I glanced round the room I could see the fear in the eyes of the Committee. Results fixing is all over the newspapers and everyone was fearing the worst. I listened carefully to some of the hushed comments from the audience – “It’s a bit bloody close”; “It’s your round”, “Give us a crisp” “What’s the football score”, etc. Then someone reported that there was a Bookmaker from Pakistan in the other Bar and he was immediately detained. It turned out that he wasn’t a bookmaker from Pakistan, he was a Book-keeper from Patricroft, so he had
to be placated with a double brandy and allowed to continue watching his football match.

That was about the end of the excitement. Things went a bit downhill for the Tavern – the “eternal bridesmaids” - and they eventually lost…

I thought the questions weren’t too bad, and the Tavern got the best of them anyway, so I have to congratulate the Harrington (bastards!). Forty watt light bulbs obviously concentrate the mind. The questions weren’t to everyone’s taste though. When I was
taking a farewell pee the guy next to me said “There’s nothing like a good quiz, and that was nothing like a good quiz.” But I am mentioning no names, so your little  secret is safe with me Robin.