Wednesday, May 10, 2006

From Our Regular Correspondent

Dear Nick

Thank you for your reply. I do understand when you say that you will have to consult the other members of the team and I live in hopes that they will accept me as a friend. They do seem rather a jolly lot. I was a bit surprised to learn from you that the lady of the team, Wendy, was the South Cheshire Ladies All-in Free-Style Wrestling Champion – she looks so demure, but I should have known she was a bit feisty by the size of the shield she is carrying in the photograph. She is probably one of those Amazon women that fight a lot and visit book sales websites. Come to mention it, she looks a bit like that lady who sells books on Macclesfield Market. It can’t be her though because she cheated me once. I wanted to cheer myself up a bit and I asked her if she had any books that were, you know, ‘under the counter’. She put a book in a brown paper bag and told me to give her ten quid and say nothing to anybody. I asked her what it was about and she said it was the story of a tribe of gorgeous, rampant pygmy females in Africa. I said “What’s it called” and she said “Little Women”. I took it home and read it twice before I realised I’d been tricked.

I was relieved to find out that the gentleman in the shades is not a mysterious Russian spy, but a mysterious English spy. You say that there is another member of your team since the photograph was taken. Perhaps you could get him to write to me.

Just to show you what a nice regular guy I am, this is a letter I received from my 92 year-old Gran who has recently found religion. I am sure you will find it touching.

“Dear Ed

The other day I came out of a prayer meeting and went to the Christian bookshop in Park Green and saw a “honk if you love Jesus” sticker, which I bought.
What an uplifting experience it was! I stopped at the traffic lights and was lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and didn’t notice that the lights had changed. It’s a good thing somebody else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t have honked I would never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! Why, I was just sitting there when the man behind started honking like mad, and then he leaned out of his window and shouted “For the love of God. Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Blackpool in there because I heard him shout something about a “sunny beach” and I saw a woman waving in a funny way.. with only her middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my friend in the back seat what that meant. She said it was probably an Irish good luck sign. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Ireland so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My friend burst out laughing – even she was enjoying the religious experience! A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started to walk towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or to ask what Church I attended. This is when I noticed that the lights had changed. So I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove across the junction. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the junction before the lights changed again and I felt a bit sad that I had to leave them after all the love we shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them the Irish good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

Your loving Grandma

I suppose I should tell you a little more about myself. My hobbies are walking backwards, and flagging down Volvo drivers to tell them that they have left their lights on.

By the way, don’t worry about your little problem. I looked it up in my copy of the “Reader’s Digest Book of Iffy Complaints”. What you suggested should do the trick but go easy on the olive oil. In the meantime your secret is safe with me (and My Auntie Joan).

Cheer up and remember it is always darkest just before dawn, so if you want to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Kind Regards

Ed Banger

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